Monday, March 28, 2016

A Little Gray Fog

Here I am, writing, strike that... typing with one hand. The other hand is holding the head of my 4.5 month old. He is asleep, but I am standing with him wrapped against my chest, and if I didn't hold his head, he would wake up. Did I also mention that I am standing? No, OK, consider yourself mentioned. It is interesting typing with one hand. I am actually not too slow, or too inaccurate. The speed reminds me a little of writing things out by hand, oh the days...

This is my life right now, baby, music, reeds. Still waiting for aforementioned baby to sleep through the night. OK, I lie, I am waiting for him to consistently sleep four hours in a row at night. I am learning to practice and make reeds like a beast, more effective than ever before. Not that I have all that many gigs, new city + new baby = baby strapped to self, typing with one hand, while standing. Did I mention the room is fairly dark? Did I also mention that I am technically in the kitchen, since that is the best counter space to be had that allows typing? So, typing one handed, standing, in the dark, in the kitchen. So this is what I do when I don't have enough gigs, everyone suffers.

A couple of weeks ago I played in a chamber music concert with a few friends who also happen to also be colleagues. It was on modern bassoon, my first real recital on modern in a long time. Taking such a long break from modern and focusing exclusively on early music and then going through the experiences that I have over the last few months have completely changed how I see the world and how I approach the music. It was the first time in a long time that I truly enjoyed the music making experience. My technique on modern right now isn't the strongest because of my focus on old instruments and baby, but in the end it didn't matter. It seemed so easy to go to "the space," when performing, the gray place in the world where expression comes from. I feel that I live there right now. It could partly be that I am crazy due to the sleep deprivation, but watching this little baby grow and become a human, learning his own way of expression, pulling from that same gray space, it is inspiring.

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